Symbiotic Relationship: Grandparents and Grandchildren

I am awake and it is night time. I am not crying. I can hear talking in the kitchen. I try to listen, but I cannot hear what they are saying. I can hear my sister breathing, she is always with me. I roll to the edge and quietly get out of bed. Of course she hears me; she is rolling out right behind me. She is holding on to my pajamas as we crawl down the hall. We stop and listen as we get closer.  We know where we want to be and we are moving under the kitchen table. We make it. We are sitting between all the feet. They are playing cards and talking. I still cannot hear what they are talking about but I am happy to be under the table. I am picking at the rug. The rug my grandmother works on when she is holding me in her lap because I cannot stop crying. It is one of the many rugs that my grandmother made to bring money into the house.  I love all the colors in the rug; I try to figure out whose shirts are where. My sister is doing the same thing. I am happy she is with me. I have no idea why we believe that she does not know that we are here. She does not have mother’s eyes in the back of her head, she has bug eyes and snake ears. She can see everywhere, she can hear everything. I guess that would come from raising eight children alone.  It is not long before the sweet milk tea is passed down to us as we sit under the table. I touch her hands as she passes me the cup. We sit up, leaning against our grandmother’s legs. She passes us cookies. She lets us finish our tea and cookies and brings us back to bed. Love enveloped us when we were with grandma. She was a huge influence on my life. I thought everyone grew up with their grandparents. I never knew this was not the truth until I went to school. It was a very hard lesson to learn.

When I was growing up, in my school, my family was the only family who grew up with their grandparents. Aboriginal children aged 14 and under are more likely to live with relatives or non-relatives than are non-Aboriginal children. In the winter 2003 Issue of Canadian Social Trends, Anne Milan and Brian Hamm who wrote “Across the Generations: Grandparents and Grandchildren”, report that in 2001, one in two hundred and fifty children live with their grandparents only.  Is this a trend that is growing?

In 2001, Canada had an estimated 5.7 million grandparents. Each grandparent had an average 4.7 grandchildren. Two percent of women and one percent of men under the age of forty five were grandparents. Two thirds of women and one half of men aged fifty five to sixty four were grandparents. Eighty percent of women and seventy four percent of men over sixty five were grandparents. Thousands of Canadian grandparents are finding there are some things they never retire from, including having to raise children again. According to Statistics Canada’s quarterly publication Canadian Social Trends, one percent of grandparents were raising grandchildren without parental involvement. These households are referred to as “skip generation households” and consist of grandparents and grandchildren without the middle generation. They also stated that the census data showed that two thirds of these grandparents were financially responsible for the household.

Grandparents may be able to provide a safe haven for vulnerable grandchildren whose own parents may be experiencing marital problems, separation, divorce, health or disability problems or other difficult situations. The reasons for this arrangement may be mixed and may change over time, with grandparents being caregivers or care recipients. Whatever shape the roles take on, it seems that the symbiotic relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is here to stay.

The close relationship between grandparent and grandchildren is very special. Children learn about the elderly, (though I never thought about my grandparents as old), gain a sense of history, and share the perspective of an older life experience. Older children can offer assistance to an elderly grandparent. The youthful enthusiasm of grandchildren can offer the grandparents renewed purpose. Grandparents offer an objectivity that might be difficult for parents to achieve. They can offer love, advice, a listening ear, emotional support, or financial help.

I cannot imagine my life without my grandmother. She was my rock. She is the one who told me: “when you set your foot out the door, always make sure you have clean shoes on, a woman in a dress or skirt very powerful, and make sure you have lipstick on your pumpkin” and “always, ALWAYS, stay classy”. These are words I will never forget. She gave us a stable life full of love and compassion. She taught me how to be a decent person. She showed me that respect for self brings about respect for others.  She was the one who I called first when I needed help. I think about her every day and wish that she was around to meet my children. I strive to be the person who she was: a woman, respectful, compassionate, and dedicated to her family, an example for everyone to follow.

Grandparents, as primary or occasional caregivers, reside in the same household or not, live nearby or on the other side of the country, have the potential to be very influential in the lives of their grandchildren. Sometimes, grandparents are also the financial head of the household. These grandparents may be able to provide a safe haven for vulnerable grandchildren whose own parents may be experiencing problems. In exchange, grandparents may enjoy a sense of purpose and may be in a position to both give support to, and receive it from, their grandchildren. The motives for living in a multi-generational or extended family may be mixed and may change over time, with changing roles as caregivers and care recipients. The symbiotic role between grandparents and grandchildren is here to stay.

Miigwetch,

Kimberly

Anne Milan and Brian Hamm 2003. “Across the Generations: Grandparents and Grandchildren.” Statistics Canada - Catalogue No. 11-008 Winter 2003 Canadian Social Trends

Kemp, C. 2003. “The Social and Demographic Contours of Contemporary Grandparenthood: Mapping patterns in Canada and the United States.” Journal of Comparative Family Studies 34, 2: 187-212.

Statistics Canada. 2003. “Aboriginal Peoples of Canada: A Demographic Profile.” Statistics Canada Catalogue no. 96F0030XIE2001007.

http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/11-002-x/2004/02/04804/4072394-eng.htm